I don’t want to live like this any more. And I don’t know what to do next.
So… There’s just too much to say. Like if you see an old love several years after a break-up that maybe didn’t need to happen and you both know it. It’s just easier to start a whole new conversation NOT about your relationship. So here’s my new conversation. Yep, you got it. A “tag” from Facebook to write 25 random things about myself. Crazy, right? Fitting.
1.) I am Queen of the Undone. I start a million projects and often don’t complete them. (Hate that!)
2.) I regularly color my hair now. My “natural” color has become almost black & there’s just enough gray to look unattractive. I get it colored dark brown-sometimes with highlights.
3.) I love love LOVVVVVVVVVE having sons. Every loud, dirty, broken, sweaty thing about ‘em!!!
4.) I’ve been a Licensed Massage Therapist since 1996.
5.) My brother & I have very good senses of humor. I think it’s gotten me through a lot of…un-funny stuff.
6.) I’ve stopped watching tv. It’s just kind of happened. I’ll watch something with the kids just to be doing it together (Curious George or Animal Planet type stuff), but not on my own.
7.) I love crafts!! I haven’t really done any for a few years but maybe once or twice a year I can do a scrapbook page. Cut! Paste! Ooooo!! Love it! Sew, paint–anything!!! I think I should be Martha Stewart. THAT would be scary…
8.) I like to cook & do laundry. I hate dusting. I don’t mind dishes, either. It’s just the time they all take–I’ve got a wee issue with that.
9.) If I had ONE wish (for this life here & now) I’d wish for money. I really want more time, but I think I could “buy” some time (pay people to “do things” for me which would free up my time), plus then I’d also have a little more money to pay bills!
10.) There are some decisions that I would definitely make differently if I could, but I don’t think I have true regrets. I used to think that I did, but now I can see a “positive” side to them.
11.) I do not manage my time well. (I can think of s-e-v-e-r-a-l things I should be doing instead of writing 25 random things about myself!) Plus I get sidetracked easily.
12.) I miss many of the traditions or routines from my youth that I would like to have with my kids. The ones that come to mind most require family and very close friends nearby & time to spend together. Meals, annual events, camping with the same friends. That kind of thing…
13.) I have come to appreciate that my parents and brother would do a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g for me. (I hope they know that I would do the same for them, & for my brother’s family.)
14.) I have lived in a boat for the past 7 years.
15.) I have had only a few very dear true-love girlfriends in my life. I feel blessed to have had them leave their mark on my heart.
16.) I appreciate friends now more than I ever have.
17.) I need to learn how to be consistently more frugal. I do well for a while then feel like I “deserve” to splurge. Crazy. Usually it’s on toys for the boys…or on scrapbook stuff. (I have enough scrapbook stuff to open a store…because I don’t have time to actually, um, USE IT!)
18.) I discovered that I can’t cry lately. I need to. I want to. But I can’t do it.
19. ) I can be very impulsive. Sometimes it pays off. Sometimes.
20.) My husband & I came very close to buying a bed & breakfast in Venezuela.
21.) I’ve done this list before & these are very different things than on the previous list.
22.) I feel awesome when I clean up my diet (nada on the sugar mainly) & sleep a lot. Gee, imagine that!!!!
23.) My oldest relative is my Nana, my mom’s mom. She’s 95 & has been in very good health. Lives on her own, is very active. She has all of a sudden had some issues…& I can’t get myself to call her because I’m afraid it will be one of the last times that I talk to her.
24.) I always wanted a tatoo but could never think of a good enough one to get. Now I know what I want, but have decided that a tatoo isn’t the right for me.
25. If I lose all the weight I want to lose, I want to get my nose pierced. Gotta look into that one, before I do, though!
is it really possible to be so busy that I can’t even complete a blog post?! I’m in Palm Beach attending a seminar for Craniosacral Therapy for Pediatrics. Did I say that I’m a massage therapist? Yeah, I did. In order to be able to attend… You know what? Let’s just forget about it. I’m actually too tired to recount packing for 3 (the boys are at my parent’s house along with my husband and our parrot–my mom has been crazy busy, she’s working a temporary part-time gig for elections, my dad broke his foot, blahblahblah & she needs a little extra help taking care of the boys so Ray is with them), Crock Pot dinners to take the load off my mom, homemade (Jamison’s little sensory issue I’m trying to just manage right now–taking out processed foods is always a good idea) muffin & granola bars, activities I put together for Ray to do with them so they have some focus (& resulting better behavior)….where in the hell is this sentence supposed to end? Gawwwwwwwwdddddd…. And just think one of the things this blog was supposed to do for me was give me practice for when I have a professional blog. Yeahhhhh. The thing is I’d have to post regularly. Very. Probably pretty darned close to daily. I’m just tired. Scattered. Over committed. Spread too thin. It’s chronic and it’s all kind of taking a toll. Even though this seminar (Thurs-Sun) is going to be busy & brain-overfilling I was actually thinking it would also kind of be somewhat rejuvenating–no kids, no husband, no cooking/picking up/laundry/occupying, a hotel, wine, a beach. And I know this doesn’t even have paragraphs… Just posting, saying that I’m doing something that I love, and I’m hoping that each day sees an improvement in myself and in circumstances.
Really?! It’s THAT hard to post on your blog regularly???? I’m hoping that this blog-thang is just still so new and I’ll be posting/journaling away on a regular basis one day. Sheesh. I follow others’ blogs & I really get anxious when they don’t post daily! These, BTW, are peeps who write well, have things of significance to impart, have a routine. They are not newbie ramblers like me. BUT…I’m really okay with where I’m at right now. My blogging efforts were really intended for me to talk to someone on a regular basis. Ugh. That sounds kind of sucky. I don’t have health insurance right now, therefore I don’t have coverage to see a counselor-person, I don’t have the cash to do so either, I pretty much already know what my few friends I’d confide in would say (& I reallllly don’t want to be driven or held accountable by someone who gives me advice because I may not agree with their advice–I may just want someone to L-I-S-T-E-N, to hear me. Me. Hear. Me. Understand. Me.).
One day (queue ethereal music) I will have a professional blog promoting my activities that I pursue for financial gain. I will be a master blogger by then. Now, I am a rambling fool. Nice to meet you.
Thank you, new friends (I call so few people my friends, and I appreciate your loving support *twinkle smile*) for your comments. I am muddling. I do think I need to put some $$ aside to talk with someone face-to-face to help me determine a path to choose, ‘cuz really right now it’s a hamster wheel. I’ll keep you posted on my decisions in that regard.
So, reestablishing my footing manana. I ate like crap for the past few (several? what’s the qualifier?) days because…I didn’t feel like being responsible for one more freakin’ thing. So instead of Green Monsters and Steel Cut Oats with chopped fruit, sandwiches of hummus on Ezekial bread with shredded carrot and sprouts and spinach, I’ll take Golden Grahams, please. With cow’s milk. Two bowls. And munchkins. But really I feel like crap from it. Really. (Totally flares up my muscle pain and tanks my moods and stresses my patience. It’s a privilege for me to eat well, to know how to quickly whip up Lemon Artichoke Hummus, to prepare Vegan Overnight Oats, to commune with people who are an encouragement to nourish the body (and mind and spirit). So, back to making the choices that I truly want to make…for me.
I have been mindful of The August Break.That means it’s been in my thoughts–in my mind. Not necessarily through my camera. …sigh…
Jamison has moved on to the next level. It’s obvious. It’s exciting. It’s bittersweet. He’s been so creative with his Lego’s and he’s taken such pride in executing his ideas himself! (His swimming, BTW, is incredible! He really feels such pride when he does things well. Note to self: Gonna have to make sure to reach him pride due to genuine effort, too, not just due to results.
I read a post somewhere about choosing adornments, directing energies, planning how to present yourself to the world…and I realized I was wearing two different socks. Hm. I could choose to interpret that as not giving care to how I present myself, or I could choose to believe that I don’t make big issues out of insignificant things. I’ll go with the latter. That’s my story & I’m stickin’ to it.
And this is my brother’s pool. My little brother. I’m really happy for him–he married a gal he fell madly in love with (after a hurtful divorce and five years of being single and pretty lonely), got the job he wanted-although it’s very stressful he enjoys it, my sister-in-law got the job she wanted-ditto on the stress, they sold the house she & the kids lived in with her ex-husband, they bought a beautiful house, put in a fabulous pool and are enjoying life. I am in no way jealous, h-o-w-e-v-e-r it reminds me that I could have made better decisions and now I, too,would be living in house with 4 bedrms/3 bathrms, great room, living room, dining room, Wii room (their bonus room), big yard, pool… Good for him, them. I hope they take a breath and enjoy what they’re working for. Wishing everyone a positive day! Accept ownership of all that is available today! Do you have a wish for yourself today. My wish for all of us is peace. Yep. That’s a good one!
So did you ever hear a child-of any age-say they’re bored. “I’m borrrrrred.” Yet their bedroom, the family room, the garage are overfilled with toys, dolls, cars & trucks, & tractors, dinosaurs, Diego figures & vehicles, paints, crayons, Lego’s, bikes, scooters. You get the idea. You as a rational adult think, “Wha?! Bored?!?! Does Toys-R-Us even have anything left on the shelves?!”
And that’s the problem. Too many things. Too much. So very much. Sensory overload. And what happens when a circuit gets overloaded? Yeppers. It shuts down. It seems to be the same with a child (or with me as this introduction is supposed to artfully lead). Instead of being full of life and boundless energy and limitless curiosity and blessed imagination, the overwhelmed child is bored. The child has nothing to do. He doesn’t like any of his stupid toys. When you give him some options of some activities he might pursue, he sighs and wants to watch tv.
So I have had so much going on for, well for over four years, but I don’t feel like typing that much tonight and I’m not sure if WordPress has a policy on that level of profanity. Let’s just start this l’il chapter by saying that I’ve had so much going on since June, that I have become that child surrounded by obscene overabundance that all I want to do is surf the internet. And maybe make a hair wrap out of a scrap of fabric because: 1) my hair isn’t straight or wavy, just a little puffy; 2) I don’t style my hair on a daily basis; 3) I’m sick of putting my bad hair under a baseball cap; 4) I lugged my sewing machine with me to my in-laws’ since I’d surely have puh-lenty of time to do a coupla projects. (Excuse me for a second. I’m laughing so hard I have to just wipe my eyes.)
To be accurate it’s not quite that I am so extraordinarily busy as I have so many diverse things that require my attention…at the same time. Constantly. Timing dinner in the oven to allow me enough time to shower and shave at least one leg…with two kids in the tub with me. Working out what our financial obligation to the hospital really is versus what the insurance papers seem to suggest. Finding a pediatric dentist that accepts the dental insurance we have for the kids. Getting to the bottom of Jamison’s behavior issues–is it on the sensory processing disorder spectrum, is it a food allergy or is it just him? Finding my way to some type of work, some type of schedule while providing child care 24/7 and trying to cope with my husband’s depression/physical issues/”medication” issues. Struggling with wanting to homeschool until my kids are in 3rd grade vs. seeing if maybe they’d be okay in Montessori. Driving 2 1/2 hours to my parents’ on Friday afternoons after preparing Ray’s dinners for three nights, so they can watch the kids while I work on Sat 1 1/2 hours away, so I can drive back to their house Sat night, sleep over & drive back to my in-laws’ Sunday night, so I can see the sink full of dirty dishes that couldn’t quite make it to the dishwasher, and the empty cream container in the garbage so there will only be skim milk for coffee in the morning because someone couldn’t call me to ask me to stop for creamer & bread. And start by 7 a.m. Monday being the loving nurturer that I want to be. So I can make breakfast, play trucks & clean the kitchen…and drink coffee with skim milk and not make French Toast because there’s no bread.
And all I want to do is surf the web and maybe leaf through magazines.
And finally post some pics I took recently! (Was there even a segue there?) On Thursday we went to Busch Gardens with new friends who live across the street! Jess and Joe’s son is 3 1/2 years old and is a perfect match for my two boys! It was a full, exhausting, fun day!
Friday we went to Sun & Fun with some friends–a great water park here. The thing is it’s kind of big. One of the pools is way over Jamison’s head & he wanted to stay in that pool with his friend while I had Curtis way on the other end of the pool area in the toddler spray park. Jamison can swim pretty well, but still! My girlfriend did keep her eye on both the boys, but during that whole day I did not take one photo! The one I would have taken, sadly, would have been the one of my sweet boy fighting back tears after his friend hurt his feelings. I’m getting better at quietly, gently giving him a safe space to tell me what’s upsetting him and he’s getting better at trusting me. He has always been so very very tender. I would rather take all his pain 100 times when I see that little chin tremble. I want to remember how gently and tender he is on the inside, especially when on the outside he acts hard and mean.
My parents drove here Sat morning to watch the kids while I was at work. I…um…meant to take some photos of the massage room I work in, but I forgot. I did however take two photos of my fave whole foods store with my cell phone! It’s up in my neighborhood, so I pass it as I travel to & from work–even if the to & from is all the way down here!
The boys & I slept so soundly Sat night! It felt wonderful. So wonderful that Curtis wanted to get up at 5:53 a.m. to eat cereal. And stay up. We rocked in the chair in the living room and watched the tv screen. I had the volume muted, so we got mesmerized by various colorful animated characters.
Monday afternoon was all about the beach with Jess & her son. So much fun, so much sand everywhere, and out first (!!) thunder & lightning storm at the beach. Thunder and rain at the beach are fine, but lightning?! No ma’am! We ALL take that very seriously. It sure was awesome to see the black storm clouds rolling in from the horizon of the open Gulf waters. Too bad I didn’t take any pictures!
Tuesday was a blur. Library, Books A Million to play Thomas the Train, Jess & her son walked over & we played. Just a LOT of activity…with no pics to show for it. Sigh…
And this afternoon was such a good time! The boys & I went to our favorite playground because it had rained off & on all day and it was mostly overcast=cool playground equipment. The thing is it started pouring (no lightning) almost as soon as we got there. Honestly, I totally do not mind playing in the rain & I think it’s good for the kids to see cheerful flexibility and being cool with situations whenever they can. Somehow Jamison & I decided to sit in adjacent slides–pretty long and curvy (we mostly play at the 6-12 year old section because it’s the most fun)–AND RACE! O-M-G!!! We went so fast I truly screamed!! Then we flew at least six feet beyond the end of the slide and slammed down on the mulch! I made myself do it four or five more times, but I honestly got banged up!!! My right elbow will sport a huge dark bruise & I WILL need to see my chiropractor to adjust my sacrum! I can feel it pulling all the way up to my neck! (It was fun, though!) Then we went down a shorter slower slide (with my sneakers pushed against the sides) so Curtis could sit on my lap & have a little ride. By then the rain had stopped and the frogs had started! So…we looked for frogs. I swear they were teasing us jumping into the little ponds only when we were standing right next to them so that we could have grabbed them if we had seem them…before they jumped! Curtis did not want to leave until we hiked the nature trail. Good thing we did because we got to see our red-shouldered hawk!! Jamison thinks it’s a peregrine falcon & Curtis thinks it’s an owl. I can’t convince them that I’m right in this one isolated instance. Hope that description was great…because I took zippo photos. And that brings me to today.
(Pause. Begin the “real post.”)
I had to soothe Curtis back to sleep a moment ago. The boys are sleeping in the same bed here (and I’ll admit it, with me, too). As he fell asleep I just lied there and looked at my children, my babies. Their small smooth bodies. Curtis still so plump like a baby, Jamison without a jam top, peeled shoulders from a little sunburn, so much leaner than Curtis. Once that baby chunk is gone they never quite get that look back, do they? Jamison still has baby eyes. Bright, wide, full of wonder and energy. They squint and truly twinkle when he smiles. I wish, I really do, that they could be my world. I wish that I wasn’t weighed down with what the lawyer tells me is an eventual bankruptcy. I wish my joy wasn’t smothered like with a heavy felt blanket. I wish I didn’t hate being home. I laugh a little using that word. Let me rephrase. I wish I didn’t hate being at home. (I don’t feel like we have a home. We live someplace.) When the boys and I leave to go somewhere–anywhere–I feel fresh air fill my lungs and lift my spirit. I am filled with appreciation for having children to tote around. A lot of my worries fade. (Then I wonder what I’m going to do when my minivan with 150+K miles dies & I fret again. And resent again. Until one of the boys sees a mixer truck or a vulture. Smiles again.)
I just had to soothe Jamison back to sleep. So sometimes I really do wish they could wake up, roll over & just go back to sleep! “Just close your eyes, and go back to sleep. I’m not gone. I’m just in the living room on the computer. You know that, so just go back to sleep without needing me to come in e-v-e-r-y time and soothe you to sleep, guys. ‘K?” Am I really that selfish?
So…when is it wiser in the long run-in the big picture-to scrap a project and start again? You know what I mean. There are so many examples we’ve all had. Here’s a simple one. The pot of homemade soup is waaaayyyy too salty. You add water. Then adjust all the other seasonings. Then add potatoes to absorb the saltiness. Let it simmer. Now it’s bland salty water. You add bouillon, but that just brings out the saltiness. Ya gotta dump that pot and start again. There really is no other solution at that point. Why suffer with lousy soup?! Why be so aggravated with your wasted effort and intentions to nourish your family?! Why feel resentful when someone at the table says that it’s gross, even though it is?! Didn’t they know how hard you were trying to be both frugal and nurturing? And why be embarrassed when you serve it to a visitor as if that was the best you could do?! Throw the damned $5 worth of ingredients out and make a pot of soup that will bring ya some freakin’ enjoyment! Gawd!
And on the other hand (I could do with less hands, by the way) here’s one for ya. I used to drive a ’74 VW Beetle. Cutest thing! I had wanted one since I was 15. Ray actually bought it for me for our 6th anniversary. Hm. Wouldn’t be so bad if I still knew that guy, but I digress. Fast-forward to the Summer of 2008. Stopped at a traffic light. Curtis in the carseat in the back. Car blows up. I see the flames, get him out, watch the car burn to a shell. N-o-t-h-i-n-g left but the frame. A guy bought it from me for $500, towed it and is rebuilding the thing piece by piece! (He really is. My mechanic knows him.) Okay, there are other cars on the market. What value is it to him to do whatever it is he has to do to get this piece of metal roadworthy? I suppose the end result has to be his focus. He sees progress as he invests his time and money in this pot of soup. I assume that if he spent gobs of time and money searching for a particular necessary part and determined that none existed, none could be fabricated that he would end this project, right? I mean how many trips across the country and wild goose chases does one endure for a ’74 Beetle?! Possibly even a fire in his garage that destroyed his work to that point would be enough to warrant an end to his restoration. Meaningful results is the key, I suppose. A pay off. Something for your effort.
Here’s the thing. What if “restoring the car” isn’t the project? What if “the restoration” is what’s keeping him sober? What if “the project” is building a relationship with his 13-year-old son who loves loves loves working on this old car? What if tinkering in HIS garage on HIS car on HIS time makes his 40+ hour work week at a job he hates tolerable? What is learning how to cope in a draining, unfulfilling, contentious, thankless, lonely, negative relationship brings stability and security and happiness to my children? What is the alternative? I don’t know. How do you know? I can’t justify a trial run with my children in the wake. What if another option is worse for them? “If you’re happier, they’ll be happier.” Um, how do you KNOW?
I feel as if I am constantly paying for a few bad decisions I made a long time ago, because truthfully I am.
(I hope my new friends aren’t scared away or feel the need to comment. This was one of the reasons I wanted to start a blog–to get this sh*t out of my head and start doing something with it. It hurts my wrist too much to write, & it’s easier to “erase” on a computer monitor.)
(I should really stop framing this week in reference to Saturday. I work on Saturday, something I look forward to because it’s only one day a week–hardly overwhelming, it’s something I love & am good at–massage, and…I get to be with interactive adults!)
Busy busy busy day yesterday. Busch Gardens with a neighbor of my in-laws and her son. It was nice finding a nice mama to be with. This is something that has changed for me since I had kids. I’ve always liked people & people like me, but it’s never been important to form connections. Wanting my kids to learn how to have relationships and to hang with other “nice” people (that’ how I seem to categorize people like us, who I want us to be, and who I want to be near my children) has been the impetus in how much I enjoy and value new relationships.
J (the neighbor’s son) is 3 1/2-right between my boys. He’s a nice little guy, but also a “boy” in the stereotypical view…and so are my boys! Crazy, runnin’ around, jumping, bashing, falling lunatics! Neighbor J has some type of speech/sensory issue that is still undiagnosed. What was very interesting to me was how kids don’t have all kinds of expectations. Neighbor J doesn’t really talk–he jabbers and mumbles. His mom patiently urged him to repeat the names of all the animals we saw. “Tuuuuurrrrrr-t’llllll. Can you saw turtle?” And he did! They did great together. He just can’t really talk on his own. No worries for the kids! I did explain to Jamison that J is a good friend and a nice boy, that he understands everything we say to him, but he just uses different words to talk back. Done. Let the playing and running and jumping and chasing begin! Good lesson. Things don’t have to be a certain way, or as they’ve been in the past to work out just fine. It’s IS all good. Today…like in 45 minutes…off to meet other friends for a day at Sun & Fun–a water park in the area. Sheesh! I can’t wait to go to work…to rest!!!
(PS-A great reminder from a blog I read. My personal word for this year is CHOOSE. It’s easy to forget in the thick of things. Reads like this are good supports to something I truly want to embrace.)
How many ways can I express the same thought? Repetition for emphasis kind of a thing. All over the board. Scattered. Fragmented. Manic. ADD. Scrambled. Unfocused. Rambling. Erratic. Haphazard. Fitful. That be me lately.
Inhale………. Exhale………….. Inhale…………….. Exhale……………….. Breeeeeeeeaaaaaaathe…………….
And it’s 1:30 a.m. already and we’re (the boys, my in-laws’ neighbor and her son and I) are going to Busch Gardens tomorrow. I need to get in bed because I really don’t want to be too tired. Especially when it’s going to be so hot. I’ve said it so many times that it’s become like a constant whine. “If I could just get some time for myself.” I think that desire unfulfilled desire is somehow a factor in this…disposition. I’m running on empty so the quality of my activity is poor. My energy is low. My commitment is thin.
BUT I have pictures!
But I don’t know how to get them in a post, obviously. Hmph + grrrr. Just some captions: 1) Jamison painting an airplane. I kept his eyes red because he saw a pic of himself with red-eye and LOVED it! He thinks his eyes glow…& I’m not going to tell him they don’t. 2) I get excited quivers with treasures like bookbinding (or any art) supplies. 3) Curtis’ paint pots. 4) New books for the boys & I for an upcoming little weekend trip. (I also quiver with new books.) 5) I’ve tried keeping recipes on the computer, but it’s not working for me. I just have to write them on recipe cards & keep ‘em in a box. 6) Library books. Curtis is loving stories now. Jamison was just like him at this age. He still likes books, but Curtis is just cuh-razy for them. I read one story before bed & Curtis negotiated for a second. He told me he was going to get “anudduh fuhm da yiving woom cowpet.” He searched the stack for the one he wanted. 7) 8) Our “list” for today. The boys kept asking what we had to do next, so I drew little pictures so they’d know what was going on. 9) A friend told me about vodka with sugarfree lemonade. Bought this vodka. Such a pretty bottle!!! And very environmentally conscious. Such a noble thing to buy vodka!