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Outta My Funk

July 12, 2010

So I was in allowed myself to get put into a funk for a few days. Yep. I allowed my buttons to be pushed.

I’m not sure if there’s a better way to express that. I’ve heard “detachment” to express not allowing yourself to get personally involved in another person’s shit, or to not let it affect you, but I don’t know what the opposite of that is. Involvement, I guess. And when the input is toxic and negative and aggressive, the result of involvement is toxicity, pessimism, anger.

My “word” for this year is CHOICE because I want to remember that I HAVE A CHOICE. Always. Maybe not in outside circumstances, or in the actions or words of others, but certainly in how I react, how I allow myself to feel, IF I even allow myself to feel anything. I can even choose how I feel about things like fatigue, a headache, toenails that have 3/4 of the polish chipped off. I can choose how I use my time, what I do, what I don’t do…and then I can choose how I feel about what I’ve done or what I’ve chosen to not do! I am not a helpless, hapless, powerless weakling waiting for things to happen to me, waiting to be preyed upon.

“Choice” doesn’t mean for me to be aloof and disconnected from my world around me. It simply reminds me that even if I have a day taking care of clingy children, doing laundry, eating healthy food (rather than sweet cookies dunked in yummy coffee), playing Lego’s, playing Play-Doh, doing dishes, not showering, watching Scooby Doo…it was all by choice. And as I experience those choices and later as I reflect back on my choices…I can choose how I assess & feel about them. Ahhhhh… So much more peace and contentment to know this truth and to embrace it. Sigh…

Until. Yeah, until. Until I forget to CHOOSE. Until I give that prerogative to someone or something else. It happens in a frk’n instant! Like I don’t even realize it’s happening until it’s too late to reel that moment back in. I find myself tumbling into anger, screaming, swearing, a whole range of bad moods. All that negativity manifests into the things that I hate–the losing control, the screaming (even in front of the kids because in that moment I don’t care), the resentment, the role of victim. If I can’t resolve the matter pretty damned quickly & regain control, I lose control entirely. I don’t get the dishes done, I eat like crap ( and feel like it, too), I don’t tidy up, I’m half-hearted with my activities with the boys… A true downward spiral.

That’s what was going on. I looked around, felt around and decided that I hate going through the motions with my kids, I hate a messy kitchen, I hate toys lying everywhere all mixed together (Diego Lego’s have NO proper place mingling willy-nilly with dinosaurs), I hate putting  j u n k  in my body & asking it to function well. So I chose to get outta my funk…bit by bit…one thing at a time.

I got the dishes done & put away, cleared what I could off the kitchen counters (we’re not in our house at this point so I don’t really have an out-of-eyesight place for a lot of things), wiped every horizontal surface. I cleaned all around the bird’s (Yellow Nape Amazon parrot, BTW) cage, changed the litter box. No, not just SCOOP the litter box! Our cat doesn’t have indoor plumbing where we live. He spends most of his time outside, so this is The Ritz for him.

I finished, folded & put away all the laundry.

Then I went (by m-y-s-e-l-f) to the whole foods market here & got wonderful things: cherries, Ezekiel bread, tea, almonds, dried apricots, treats for the boys, chocolate Amazing Greens & chocolate protein powder. Did you hear me? C-H-O-C-O-L-A-T-E. I’ve only ever had vanilla or plain. Chocolate is delicious!! Chocolate AG in my oatmeal, chocolate AG + protein powder in my Green Monsters. YUM! My Little Guy has gotten hooked on Green Monsters because of it, thankyouverymuch! 

Then I made a wonderful pot of Lentil Kale soup. More yum-ness.

Better choices, better results. Smiles now.

I can’t identify the roadblock to getting a better mastery over this choice thing. I think this is a portion of a journey toward something bigger. I have a sense this is a journey toward acceptance. No judgement, no assessment, no assignment of value. Just acknowledgement. I dunno.

What do you do to get back in a positive place when something throws you off balance?

(*sorry about the funky pics–I’m tired of trying to get them to align*)

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